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  • Ramble On

    I probably already used this picture, I love my babies. Anyway, I’m excited that it’s “Halloween Month”! I plan on getting the kitties outfits. To be honest I am craving really badly. I don’t actually want to run out and get fucked up, but my body is just on edge. I can’t stop smoking my cigarette vape and feel no relief, and I just want to smoke all the weed which is a sign that I am not doing good. And I can’t exactly pray about it because you don’t get to be high and enjoy it after you’ve been in recovery before. I randomly back in 2019 went all by myself to an NA meeting and ever since I sketch out and don’t enjoy being high. I NEED to get high is what it turns into. But I, how you could say “saw the light,” and forever after it’s been torture. “A head full of AA and a belly full of beer don’t mix”, is an AA saying. It’s so true.

    Let’s see, I made it 3 months without seeing Caveman. All night long when I do get any sleep, I dream I’m using with him or trying to find him to use. Lastnight my friend, I’ll call her S, I haven’t heard from her in months. We met in Windsor at a womens rehab centre. She was out being reckless and I’m so glad she’s okay and that she reached out. Something I never had before I found these 12 step programs were people who actually cared from the bottom of their hearts. S is just a younger version of me and she’s probably not yet convinced it’s totally over yet. She got attacked by this pimp because she just thought he was a random ass hat asking for sexual favours and when she declined he attacked her. She was blacked out and only remembers bits and pieces. That shit is scary. We also met this other girl, T, and when she graduated the rehab program her not so nice boyfriend was picking her up and they were crossing over to Detroit to party before getting “clean”. We haven’t heard from her since and S said no one she talked to has heard from her. I just can’t picture her going completely AWOL on all of us. I messaged and told my mom all about this. Probably not the most positive thing to share but I just wanted to talk and I don’t really have too many people. My mom said she is glad I am safe and it means a lot to me that I am actually safe.

    The kitties keep me in pretty good spirits. They are so freakin sweet. They are such sucks and follow us around. They love giving us kisses or whatever licking our faces is supposed to mean. Especially when we’re sleeping but they just go straight for me I don’t know why and I wake up to being mauled with licks. I’ll believe they are love licks until told otherwise. I was waiting to pick up my Vyvanse so I took a necessary nap and they came to nap with me. My heart can’t take it.

    I’m trying to switch my Vyvanse over to Adderall. I have an appointment over the phone to talk to my doctor about it on Friday. We do most our appointments over the phone since Covid. My boyfriend takes them and I tried his when he got his script and I felt better on them, I think. Meditating was so good when I was on Adderall, and honestly I need to meditate more. So we’ll see how that goes. I took my Vyvanse around 5pm because I figure I’m already not 100% clean, so I wanted to stay awake most of the night instead of being tortured by my nightmares. Having insomnia is a fucking bitch. Before you say it’s the meds, I only started these like 4 years ago, I’ve had insomnia since I was in grade school. That I can remember. I journaled about it. I have journals back dated to grade 3, and I just mostly wrote about having bad sleeps and being tired all the time. Not something a kid should be worrying about. Literally just now I brought up to my man a disturbing dream I had. What happened was my brother shoots someone in this room and there were other people, they felt like bad guys I guess, and my brother shoots one guy and I watch his body get shot and his guts go all over the wall. So yeah my boyfriend made a moaning noise and continued watching his show because who wants to talk about that disturbing kind of dream. Spoiler alert I’m dating my brothers bestfriend. So where do I share this crap then if it’s too disturbing for regular human consumption? I see my councillor once a week but I can’t keep them all to myself for that long. I’d go nuts. My insomnia really made an impact on my mental health so I have gone my fair share to the psyche wards. But they become farther and farther apart. I call them “Tune Ups.” I’ve tried having hand written journals for my dreams, but they are so long and detailed and I can’t write fast enough and I just get frustrated and triggered and more upset and disturbed and just stop altogether. So maybe in the mornings to fill some time I’ll write what I remember from my dreams here. This one dream recently I literally jumped off the top room of a rehab facility to get away and go use. And they didn’t call my mom and I was sooooooooooo relieved *mom rolls eyes*. Again this was just a dream. But it’s scary how far I’ll go in my dreams to get my hands on some drugs. Alright this is my long winded Ramble On post. Maybe I’ll put some Zeppelin on.

  • I’m literally so lonely tonight it’s unreal.

  • Thankful Thursday

    I contacted our humane society and by luck we got two spots for both our babies to get adulted for much MUCH cheaper. It was going to cost 505$+ just to have lily spayed. That’s insane. We were able to get both of them fixed and microchipped and rabies shots for 190$. My grandma would say “they’re practically giving it away for free!” I’m just over the moon that it worked out and we were able to save such a huge amount of money. To us it’s a huge savings. We’re finally starting to be able to breathe financially since I quit using hard drugs and now I quit the weed pen. The pen was 35$ minimum and it was so stressful always finding money for something as measly as weed. I usually hustle for crack. Hustling for weed is lame. Stuff makes me lazy and binge eat but it satisfies the devil in me for a brief moment. SO ANYWAY. I’m so grateful to have cats and to be able to take care of them. I’m grateful we can give them the love they deserve.

    I’m also grateful for diamond art, journaling and binging TV shows.

    Alright I’m anxious so I’m gonna tap out!

  • Anyone on Vyvanse?

    Some days my Vyvanse just give me the most terrible anxiety. Other days I don’t notice it as much. It’s so frustrating. I quit drinking caffeine when I’m on them. So I know it’s not the coffee. This is a tea and I bought decaf coffee pods. I love my coffee. Anyway. I always forget why I eventually go off my ADHD meds. It’s just this blur if I try to remember. The anxiety just makes me want to shut down but the meds help me want to keep moving and get shit done, so I’m being tugged in two directions and it makes me want to spaz the fuck out.

    Today is 3 months since I sat at my dealers table and smoked bad drugs with. My using dreams have been so tormenting, you’d think I wouldn’t want to use after what I go through at night in my head, but I really want to use. The instant thought of it makes my mouth water. But I can’t keep thinking about it or I’ll do it. I’ll end up finding someone with my drug of choice and I will smoke. I’m like teetering on the edge everyday just praying (literally) “please don’t let me smoke crack.”

    And my brain went blank.

  • How is WordPress like Tumblr?

    How is WordPress connected to, or “like” tumblr? I have had tumblr for 15 years, and I find them both very different especially with connecting to other people. I just miss my tumblr community. I keep my tumblr but I very rarely post anything anymore. It was mostly all about my addiction and watching it progress. So it’s quite triggering having it but I can’t bring myself to delete it. I wrote a LOT of posts on there over those years and with the amount of memory loss I have, if I ever wanted to read those posts then I could. It was also this massive community I was part of and I’m not ready to let that go. I had the most followers when I was part of the Stoner Community, but when I switched to hard drugs, I had plenty of people to talk to and blogs to surf.

    So now I have to make WordPress my new safe place to post and surf. Off topic, I realized I have Sciatica. I’m wondering if stretching will help it to not flare up so much? I can’t take pain, I’m a baby. I’m an addict I like to not feel emotions, do you think I can handle pain? Sorry had to let that out.

  • Anybody out there tonight

    Im having a hard time taking my ADHD medication properly. For the most part when they kick in I get extremely irritable, I could snap over anything nothing is too small for me to snap over in this situation. It’s like my insides are screaming but it’s silent and only I can see and feel it. I drive myself insane.

    So tonight, after taking my friends Adderall and my own Vyvanse, I decided to take the last two to get a vibe off of and then detox for 7 days before I get my next blister pack. I need a break to let my body calm down from all the stimulation. I’ll cry so quickly when I’m revved up on stimulants. I want to see where I’m at in my grieving and I can’t do that when I’m a monster from ADHD meds. I’m not my “authentic self”.

    My authentic self is depressed and chronic fatigue due to insomnia. My authentic self has never self a solid night in her life. Or a dreamless sleep. The dreams have been morbid from an early age. My inner child is 4 or 5. I think 4 though. That’s when I had the dream. Topic for another time. So yeah I struggle daily to have any drive to get anything done due to not ever sleeping properly and going day after day like this until you snap and go to the psyche. My visits are now around 2 years, 2 and a half years apart now. I call the psyche ward my “Tune Up”. Switch some meds. Straighten up. Get some umph back into me. Some spirit. It’s crazy how you can find that there, in the bubble.

    ANYWAY, I ultimately need to quit ADHD medication. The negative outway the positive but because I get sooooomething out of it, some change in me, it makes me feel like i found a crutch that is helping clog a hole. I can’t fill the void with pills anymore. It’s no better than the life I had when I smoked crack. I am just as hooked on getting some kinda buzz, feeling some type of way, to not feel like me, to escape for the day and do the normal things without worry. Once I start running I can’t stop.

    I saw this quote tonight, “Those who don’t remember their pasts are condemned to repeat it”. It’s crazy the things that I will randomly remember from my past. I can’t believe I did certain things, and where I was, who I was with- not safe people. Getting sober I just wanna hide and burry everything under the rug and just move on. That just leaves me a dry drunk. I want to enjoy my life, not dread it because I can’t exceed the normal limits of pleasure anymore. Getting sober is fucking hard! Last friday I was on a walk to get a lighter and I saw this girl I used with at my dealers several times. She reminded me of me, the way she used and acted and the want and need to keep using. Anything, just get me high already. So I was real triggered. Two days later, so Sunday, we pull out of the driveway to go wherever and I see her scurrying off from this house directly across the street from mine where I know has drugs. But now I know it has the drugs I like. And my mind is thinking, someone new, a new guy to manipulate and get to use for free. To normal people this sounds horrible and even to me it does too, it makes me anxious, but my disease is thinking that it is the way of life lets get to it already. I haven’t gone to do laundry or much anything since. I don’t feel comfortable or trust myself outside. I’m back on the wait list for treatment at this place 7 hours away.

    Somewhere above I mentioned that quote. You would think someone would remember those awful places we went to use and who we used with, who we put up with or let be around us in order to use. You would think being abused because you were intoxicated wouldn’t be forgotten. I get flashbacks. But when I want to get seriously high, my memories are nothing. Nothing matters except getting high. Values fly out the window and within minutes I’m a complete delinquent. So tonight I wanted to start posting about things from my past that I should remember and really appreciate not being in that situation at this moment. I’m never going to get clean if I don’t stop repeating my past.

  • New Fur Babies

    This is Lilly and Lenny

  • So Much Sad

    I miss Boomer so much. Yesterday was already two weeks. I can’t believe I haven’t drank or relapsed on harder stuff. Every day I’m scared. I just try to keep myself busy. I’ll just stand there in the middle of the room and try to figure out what minor thing I can do next to pass some time, keep busy.

    I hate feeling my emotions. Even when I’m happy I feel anxious. I’m just trying to stay on top of the grief. I really want to use. Dylan should be home in the next hour I hope. I did manage to drag my ass to an in person meeting two Saturdays ago and got some phone numbers and talked with one lady a bit. She’s listened to me complain about my trouble with quitting pot and she found me someone to talk to that’s in the program. The women called but I was sleeping and then I was too shy to call back. Eventually we talked a bit and I’m going to meet her tomorrow night at her homegroup. I’m going to go a half hour early to help her set up and chat. Apparently she had a hard time quitting pot too so we can relate there. It’s like a totally different drug because of the stigma that it’s like a hippy drug and it’s natural or whatever else. I can quit crack but I can’t quit smokes or weed? It feels embarrassing to be honest. I know I’m not alone here.

    I’m ready for the future, lets be happy, when will I be happy and not addicted to harmful crap?

  • Grief

    The loss of my dog has me all. over. the. place. I feel like I have no love in me to give. I have barely been affectionate with my boyfriend since we put Boomer down. It’s not anything to do with him really, I don’t think. I’m just sad. Beyond sad.

    I get all these impulsive thoughts and my instinct is to act on them. I had the idea that maybe I need to get my own place, to give Dylan some space. But the past few days I’ve had thoughts of smoking crack. If I did, I couldn’t bring it back to our apartment because we have the kittens now. And I know I don’t wanna put up and sit with my dealer just so I can use. So all in all, how about we don’t smoke crack!? Now back to the impulsive thought to move out on my own; I would be able to use no problem if I felt like it. SO, we will squash the idea of living on our own. Not safe.

    Although, I get a monthly disability cheque that could pay for my rent for a really nice one bedroom. And then I could escort to pay for my habit. Have a nice place and be in la la land forever sounds really nice right now. I can just picture it. Isn’t that crazy? Why would I want to picture myself alone in an apartment smoking crack. Because I’m sick. It’s so fucked up.

    Thinking about escorting makes me cringe. I can’t believe I did it for almost three years. It’s scary because I never want to go back to that life, but at the same time my disease craves that life. (In NA we call our addiction “My Disease.” They say addiction is a disease and not a moral dilemma.) They also say in the meetings that we’re always right next to the ditch. Meaning we could relapse any moment if we don’t stay vigilent.

  • Breakdown to Breakthrough

    I always get bad anxiety before I go to post something on here. I blogged so much for so many years on tumblr, but I was high as a kite most of the time on anything I could get. So it’s hard to come on here and post without being high as hell or using.

    My friend Brooke and I reconnected. I’m so grateful for this. We are making plans to go to Canada’s Wonderland hopefully in the next month. I’ll post a picture of us after I ask her if I can post her on here. I met her when I first got into AA/NA back in 2019. We instantly hit it off. We just get eachother’s energies going. We get crazy but it was sober crazy which was the best part. When I relapsed and just wasn’t getting any better, she had to put up a boundary and step back from me because she was worried I would die. So she just needed to block me out in a sense, and I get that. It’s so great. When I got sober finally back in 2020, it took me over a year to make a real good friend. Now I have two bestfriends, who are actually friends.

    My pharmacy messed up my Vyvanse prescription. I’m supposed to get 30mg first dose, than take a 20mg a few hours later so it lasts longer throughout the day for me. But the lady filled me a bottle of 60mg pills. Just a few days worth until i got my blister pack. I just said alright and ran out running to the car to my boyfriend. It was his birthday yesterday and he takes Vyvanse too but we ate all his so I was excited to have a high dose to share with him. Yes, this will have to change when I get proper sobriety, but for now, I’ll just carry on. I have been wanting to go to an in person AA meeting for forever now, by night I’m too stoned and lazy on weed to get my ass to a meeting, so I found one at 10am. I was nervous but I made it. It was a great meeting I’m so glad I went. I had a 20 minute walk back home afterwards and my pills were kicking in and I was feeling amped. I haven’t gone for a walk in a while, like, a gooooooood walk. So I went home quick, put my bag down and got ready to go for my walk at the waterfront. It wasn’t sweltering hot out yesterday either, omg it was so beautiful. I walked for a total of two hours and had to call Dylan to pick me up because I didn’t bring water or drink hardly any that morning, and my legs were cramping up right up to my hips. I can barely walk now!

    I saw these two guys meet up on the path and I just assume certain people are holding and I could easily just ask for some. I was triggered to use so badly, But I survived. The homeless are starting to set up tents in that area now where I go for my walks. I feel for them, it just triggers me because it reminds me of using is all.