My Blog

Hello. I’ll make up my about me later. At this point my need for perfection is getting in the way of what I want to get out of this blog. I want to fixate on all the itty bitty stuff and I don’t even know how this site functions and I’m an addict trying to get sober so my patience with myself is slim atm, let alone my patience for technology.

Todays 46 days since I’ve used any hard drugs. And July 10th was my last drink. But I can’t bring myself to quit weed. It’s driving me insane. When I do try to quit it I end up messing with my medications. I’ll eventually get into all that. I started back on my vyvanse prescription for my ADHD but I continue to abuse it each week I get it dispensed.

If anyone knows of Tumblr? I am used to that format and how it works so as I post more I’ll slowly fix up my blog when I have the patience. The whole point of paying all the money for this was to write and post when I want to use. I think so fast all the time and sometimes it gets annoying trying to write pen to paper because my hand can’t keep up with my brain. So I wanted to start up a blog where I can post more about my recovery and not so much on the mess of it all. But the mess has some pretty good stories so I will share a lot of those. But my Tumblr blog, I’ve had for over 15 years and it showed the slow progression of my addiction and how it completely destroyed my life. There are a lot of good text posts but so much of it is triggering and there are photos and videos that I don’t want to see. I can’t bring myself to delete it because I thought I might want to read the posts I wrote. I was doing exactly what I did now but while in active addiction and it scares me to re old posts. Even my journals I can’t re read them. It’s also a focus thing. ADHD sucksssssssssssssssss. Also another topic.

I woke up determined to go the day without weed. It seems like a pretty basic goal. But it’s the hardest thing I tried to do all day. And I caved from the anxiety. I’ve gone my entire life feeling uncomfortable and running from myself. It’s so fucking hard to handle my emotions. I’m on edge and tense. Omg I’m going crazy. I mean I’ve got to the point where I know picking up the harder drugs wont fix how I feel, even though I still crave believe that they will. Then comes a hard relapse. Sorry this is so over the place, I’m trying to cover the basics while posting as an outlet. Eventually after a few posts things will start to come together. The reason I mentioned 46 days was because it used to be 44 days I haven’t used or seen my dealer but two days ago on my 40 min walk to drug councelling. Ironic. Not only did I see him I also saw the guy who introduced me to him. It was insane. They weren’t together either, all three of us just randomly were in the same area at the same time. I was listening to an NA zoom meeting on my walk there and there’s this convenience store on the way that I used to get my beer from and sometimes still smokes. I used to use the ATM there to take out money for drugs. So it’s a triggering place but if I’m going to stay in this city with my boyfriend I’m going to have to be able to get over these issues. So there I am walking by and I see an arm flailing. I look at it’s my plug waving. I yelled hey, then he said hey to this other guy wondering up to us. Then that guy looked at me and said HEY! I impulsively blurted It’s a fucking reunion! And I continued to walk but I turned my head and yelled that I had 44 days and the one guy new exactly what that meant and he said that’s awesome!

It may not seem like a big deal to some people, and even to me I just booked it after the last thing I said. But my feelings in my gut and mind have been rough and not good for recovery. I think I have to quit weed or I’m a failure, yet again, I quit drinking, benzos, and crack so I should give myself a break. But mind is so evil sometimes. It says the meanest things. I torture myself with not doing things well enough. Growing up my dad always said how useless we all were and my mom was the opposite saying, “you’re perfect”. So I guess that somehow screwed me right up for the rest of my life. So dramatic. It’s literally YES or NO. I love starting something but I hate the effort and just want to be done and feel good. I just want to fast forward to feeling good. That’s not how proper recovery works and I know that and I hate that.

I got sober before in 2020 for about 3.5 years. There were some things that happened but I didn’t drink or use any drugs for all those years. I can’t say the year I relapsed on crack because I can’t remember which one it was. I thought it was almost two years ago but then it just doesn’t make sense in my head to say the year I think it was. Anyway, moving on LOL. I had a lot of seizures from the past using and from this current relapse I’ve been in. Until I quit pot I think I’m still technically using. So current relapse it is. So my memory is pretty shot. And the weed doesn’t help it get better any faster. I wonder if this site blog thing has a comment area for people to respond to a post I write or something. I’ll look into that way later.

I’m watching the original Desperate Housewives. I watched it a few months ago with my boyfriend and finally thought I’d put it on as background noise but I’ve been hooked because I don’t remember anything! Dylan, that’s my sweetie pies name, plays on his computer while I’m re watching the show and he just listens mostly, and he knows more of what’s going on then I do. I absolutely have no clue what’s going to happen or how it all ends. So it’s great I got a new show again! But my brain, not doing so great in the function department. The amount of weed I smoke in a day is stupid. I’m baked but it’s the physical act of inhaling something that’s going to give me some type of head buzz that I’m craving, so even though I’m high I over do it because 1 is too many and a 1000 is never enough. I gotta put this down. I’m just babbling now. Let’s see if I can figure out how to launch this site thing.

❤