My Blog

Sigh. I had only one using dream lastnight. I think. When I have them I flail around in my sleep and sometimes beat up my boyfriend or scream and say weird shit. He said I screamed in my sleep so loud the other night that he was sure the neighbours would think he was murdering me lol.

I’ll share how I start off my day. I get up and get my favourite Starbucks Verona blend brewing and take my meds. I’ve got 6 books I read out of each morning. One is a positive affirmation for the day. One is the AA daily reflection and I have the NA Just For Today book. Then I write out three things I’m grateful for in my life and say it out loud and then say thank you to my higher power. Then I read pages 86-88, 417, and 58-63 our of the AA Basic Text (What is also known as the Big Book). The readings from the big book are the same everyday. They remind me of some basic things I need to have a good day, good life. Sometimes when I read I’m not actually registering anything. But I try my best to focus on the readings. I have the NA Basic Text. Half way through they have stories like the AA Big Book that share addicts experience strength and hope with their addiction and recovery. So I read one story sometimes two. And lastly, NA has a book called Living Clean. It’s amazing and I finally just picked it back up. I pray either before or after I do my readings. Try to connect with my Higher Power as much as possible.

Meditation is an important part of recovery but I’m still working a lot on that. Some days I skip away from it and feel bad but just don’t care. Other times I’ll do it for a few days in a row. Even if I can’t slow my thoughts down at all and feel worse than I did before I meditated, I know I’m doing the right thing and things will get better! Always trying to spin things in a positive way is important and very hard. But I’ve been in recovery before so I know what I need to do I just have the build up my routine and get those habits back.

I don’t really go to in person meetings because of the weed. It’s a major excuse to get out of going for sure. I almost went Friday night but in the end I did not. I’m hoping I can bring myself to go tonight. I need to make connections with people in real life not just on Zoom meetings. I need a sponsor but it’s hard to get one to take you seriously when you’re not completely sober. I’ve been putting off step work (if anyone knows what that means) because I’m still under the influence of weed. I was in the bath a bit ago and decided that I’ll never know when I’ll finally quit weed, and the steps would still benefit me, and I can and will do them again throughout my life. If quitting is that important for me I should be willing to do anything to get sober. So I’m going to do a few questions on Step One today.

That’s my morning! I am proud of the routine I have gotten used to. It’s 10:42am where I’m at right now. I’m on an NA Zoom meeting as I’m writing this post. I should be focusing solely on the meeting but yeah, I’m not perfect. At least I’m on a meeting. I’m going to a walk in hair cut place today, hoping I can get my hair cut finally. My hair is so long and has so much dead ends I just put it in a bun every single freakin day. Why have hair if I’m always putting it up. My sister is autistic and I think I might be as well (another topic) and I bring this up because of these little things I can’t get over. My hair touching my face just freaks me out and puts me into a spaz. I can’t stand it all over the place. I’ve cut it above my shoulders but it’s harder when I do want it up to get it right. I’m going to get bangs again. I know it’s summer, but from smoking the pipe and the way i exhaled ( I really don’t understand because I never seen anyone with the marks I have from using) on my forehead, top of nose and above my lips. It effects my self esteem a lot, combined with body dismorphia I just think I’m disgusting. So I decided I’ll use bangs to hide it until it finally goes away. ALSOOOOO, I’m gonna dye my hair red. I’m a brunette. I once died it red years ago and I loved it. This could be a major sign of a manic episode as well hah. So maybe I’ll post a pic of my new hair tomorrow 🙂

Talk to yeah later ❤