My Blog

Im having a hard time taking my ADHD medication properly. For the most part when they kick in I get extremely irritable, I could snap over anything nothing is too small for me to snap over in this situation. It’s like my insides are screaming but it’s silent and only I can see and feel it. I drive myself insane.

So tonight, after taking my friends Adderall and my own Vyvanse, I decided to take the last two to get a vibe off of and then detox for 7 days before I get my next blister pack. I need a break to let my body calm down from all the stimulation. I’ll cry so quickly when I’m revved up on stimulants. I want to see where I’m at in my grieving and I can’t do that when I’m a monster from ADHD meds. I’m not my “authentic self”.

My authentic self is depressed and chronic fatigue due to insomnia. My authentic self has never self a solid night in her life. Or a dreamless sleep. The dreams have been morbid from an early age. My inner child is 4 or 5. I think 4 though. That’s when I had the dream. Topic for another time. So yeah I struggle daily to have any drive to get anything done due to not ever sleeping properly and going day after day like this until you snap and go to the psyche. My visits are now around 2 years, 2 and a half years apart now. I call the psyche ward my “Tune Up”. Switch some meds. Straighten up. Get some umph back into me. Some spirit. It’s crazy how you can find that there, in the bubble.

ANYWAY, I ultimately need to quit ADHD medication. The negative outway the positive but because I get sooooomething out of it, some change in me, it makes me feel like i found a crutch that is helping clog a hole. I can’t fill the void with pills anymore. It’s no better than the life I had when I smoked crack. I am just as hooked on getting some kinda buzz, feeling some type of way, to not feel like me, to escape for the day and do the normal things without worry. Once I start running I can’t stop.

I saw this quote tonight, “Those who don’t remember their pasts are condemned to repeat it”. It’s crazy the things that I will randomly remember from my past. I can’t believe I did certain things, and where I was, who I was with- not safe people. Getting sober I just wanna hide and burry everything under the rug and just move on. That just leaves me a dry drunk. I want to enjoy my life, not dread it because I can’t exceed the normal limits of pleasure anymore. Getting sober is fucking hard! Last friday I was on a walk to get a lighter and I saw this girl I used with at my dealers several times. She reminded me of me, the way she used and acted and the want and need to keep using. Anything, just get me high already. So I was real triggered. Two days later, so Sunday, we pull out of the driveway to go wherever and I see her scurrying off from this house directly across the street from mine where I know has drugs. But now I know it has the drugs I like. And my mind is thinking, someone new, a new guy to manipulate and get to use for free. To normal people this sounds horrible and even to me it does too, it makes me anxious, but my disease is thinking that it is the way of life lets get to it already. I haven’t gone to do laundry or much anything since. I don’t feel comfortable or trust myself outside. I’m back on the wait list for treatment at this place 7 hours away.

Somewhere above I mentioned that quote. You would think someone would remember those awful places we went to use and who we used with, who we put up with or let be around us in order to use. You would think being abused because you were intoxicated wouldn’t be forgotten. I get flashbacks. But when I want to get seriously high, my memories are nothing. Nothing matters except getting high. Values fly out the window and within minutes I’m a complete delinquent. So tonight I wanted to start posting about things from my past that I should remember and really appreciate not being in that situation at this moment. I’m never going to get clean if I don’t stop repeating my past.