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  • My Little Man

    I had to put my dog down after having him almost 15 years. He had been staying with my grandma back when I was working and back in school full time. Then when I relapsed I never got myself together enough to get him back with me. He got old, really fast. He was suffering and I know this was the right thing to do. I just can’t believe it. Friday my emotions were making me feel so fucked up I wanted to run to the dealers so bad. So instead I took a few extra antipsychotics to knock myself out to get passed the cravings.

    I’m not emotionally stable enough to go through grieving right now. I have 58 days since I last used hard drugs. I got hired to start at Tim Hortons. I wanted to go back to school for accounting but I need money, so I had to look for work and this was the only place I got an interview for. So I’m going to try it out, but again, my emotions are not stable and I get real angry out of no where or I go hours without crying then all of a sudden start to dissociate and stare off into space. I don’t want to feel all this.

    I handn’t posted on here in a while and just wanted to get something out. I haven’t even been journaling.

  • Brain’s Malfunctioning

    To start off we are not doin so hot this fine morning. Growing up whenever I got a haircut I would always have a major meltdown. And it’s happening right now. I forgot to ask them to snip away at the ends so it didn’t look so straight edge like it does when you get a haircut. You straighten your hair and it’s perfectly straight. Chunky. I fucking hate it. Everything is stained from the dye including my hands which fare making me cringe every time I look at them. I’m so picky and negative towards myself it’s unfortunate and I’m trying to work on it.

    I had a using dream lastnight and it was pretty dramatic as always, and I had my drug of choice on me, but whenever I had a moment to actually smoke it I didn’t really want to. In my dream it wasn’t doing the trick anymore so I just kept putting off having a blast. This is a good sign. But I’m so fucking sick of dreaming about Caveman. That is my plugs nickname. The last time I used was with him, and when I say I have so many days clean, it meant that many days since I’d seen that asshole. But I see him most every night in my dreams. So that has my irritation heightened.

    Getting sober for me is like starting fresh with no anti-depressents and waiting for them to finally start taking effect. Letting go of the drugs that helped me escape my reality sets off the grief process in me. I’m grieving over my addiction. And I’m waiting for the program I’m working to finally take effect on my life. I have moments where I’m happy I think. But my thought process goes straight to “this wont last long, you’re depressed, REMEMBER?”

  • I gotta change my theme

    I think it’s my theme that is putting a filter over my pictures. But I died my hair red with that Manic Panic hair dye and it doesn’t come with gloves and my impulsive mind thought because it said semi permanent I figured it’d be okay haha. It’s bad very bad. Much regret and many sorrows. Going to have to change my counselling appointment to over the phone bc I cannot walk around the city with my hands half pink.

    When I was around 26 I was big into speed, and got this same hair dye. But because I was high as a kite I had to make sure every. Single. Strand. Was covered. So 4+ hours later I’m dying of back pain and that’s why I finally stopped and put a bag over my head. I don’t know how many days I was awake for but I was so exhausted from the dye job I passed out for the rest of the day and night. I still didn’t have the strength to wash it out when I woke up. It took a few hours. It being in that long it like bleached my hair somehow and the dye was so noticeable. I loved it but that’s not how this hair dye is supposed to work. It lasted over a year. So, I’m trying that again and see how red it will get. Not healthy I know.

  • Yesterdays journal entry

  • Morning

    Sigh. I had only one using dream lastnight. I think. When I have them I flail around in my sleep and sometimes beat up my boyfriend or scream and say weird shit. He said I screamed in my sleep so loud the other night that he was sure the neighbours would think he was murdering me lol.

    I’ll share how I start off my day. I get up and get my favourite Starbucks Verona blend brewing and take my meds. I’ve got 6 books I read out of each morning. One is a positive affirmation for the day. One is the AA daily reflection and I have the NA Just For Today book. Then I write out three things I’m grateful for in my life and say it out loud and then say thank you to my higher power. Then I read pages 86-88, 417, and 58-63 our of the AA Basic Text (What is also known as the Big Book). The readings from the big book are the same everyday. They remind me of some basic things I need to have a good day, good life. Sometimes when I read I’m not actually registering anything. But I try my best to focus on the readings. I have the NA Basic Text. Half way through they have stories like the AA Big Book that share addicts experience strength and hope with their addiction and recovery. So I read one story sometimes two. And lastly, NA has a book called Living Clean. It’s amazing and I finally just picked it back up. I pray either before or after I do my readings. Try to connect with my Higher Power as much as possible.

    Meditation is an important part of recovery but I’m still working a lot on that. Some days I skip away from it and feel bad but just don’t care. Other times I’ll do it for a few days in a row. Even if I can’t slow my thoughts down at all and feel worse than I did before I meditated, I know I’m doing the right thing and things will get better! Always trying to spin things in a positive way is important and very hard. But I’ve been in recovery before so I know what I need to do I just have the build up my routine and get those habits back.

    I don’t really go to in person meetings because of the weed. It’s a major excuse to get out of going for sure. I almost went Friday night but in the end I did not. I’m hoping I can bring myself to go tonight. I need to make connections with people in real life not just on Zoom meetings. I need a sponsor but it’s hard to get one to take you seriously when you’re not completely sober. I’ve been putting off step work (if anyone knows what that means) because I’m still under the influence of weed. I was in the bath a bit ago and decided that I’ll never know when I’ll finally quit weed, and the steps would still benefit me, and I can and will do them again throughout my life. If quitting is that important for me I should be willing to do anything to get sober. So I’m going to do a few questions on Step One today.

    That’s my morning! I am proud of the routine I have gotten used to. It’s 10:42am where I’m at right now. I’m on an NA Zoom meeting as I’m writing this post. I should be focusing solely on the meeting but yeah, I’m not perfect. At least I’m on a meeting. I’m going to a walk in hair cut place today, hoping I can get my hair cut finally. My hair is so long and has so much dead ends I just put it in a bun every single freakin day. Why have hair if I’m always putting it up. My sister is autistic and I think I might be as well (another topic) and I bring this up because of these little things I can’t get over. My hair touching my face just freaks me out and puts me into a spaz. I can’t stand it all over the place. I’ve cut it above my shoulders but it’s harder when I do want it up to get it right. I’m going to get bangs again. I know it’s summer, but from smoking the pipe and the way i exhaled ( I really don’t understand because I never seen anyone with the marks I have from using) on my forehead, top of nose and above my lips. It effects my self esteem a lot, combined with body dismorphia I just think I’m disgusting. So I decided I’ll use bangs to hide it until it finally goes away. ALSOOOOO, I’m gonna dye my hair red. I’m a brunette. I once died it red years ago and I loved it. This could be a major sign of a manic episode as well hah. So maybe I’ll post a pic of my new hair tomorrow 🙂

    Talk to yeah later ❤

  • Filling the void

    … with Dominos Pizza! I go days hardly eating with my vyvanse and then I binge. I generally binge on food regardless, but the vyvanse help me do it less. I don’t purge, just throwing that out there. I just over eat and feel badly about it afterwards and struggle with trying to over exercise it all off. Then it just becomes a big ole mess.

    I can’t wait to eat pizza and drink a coke 😀

  • Get a load of this

    Hello. I’ll make up my about me later. At this point my need for perfection is getting in the way of what I want to get out of this blog. I want to fixate on all the itty bitty stuff and I don’t even know how this site functions and I’m an addict trying to get sober so my patience with myself is slim atm, let alone my patience for technology.

    Todays 46 days since I’ve used any hard drugs. And July 10th was my last drink. But I can’t bring myself to quit weed. It’s driving me insane. When I do try to quit it I end up messing with my medications. I’ll eventually get into all that. I started back on my vyvanse prescription for my ADHD but I continue to abuse it each week I get it dispensed.

    If anyone knows of Tumblr? I am used to that format and how it works so as I post more I’ll slowly fix up my blog when I have the patience. The whole point of paying all the money for this was to write and post when I want to use. I think so fast all the time and sometimes it gets annoying trying to write pen to paper because my hand can’t keep up with my brain. So I wanted to start up a blog where I can post more about my recovery and not so much on the mess of it all. But the mess has some pretty good stories so I will share a lot of those. But my Tumblr blog, I’ve had for over 15 years and it showed the slow progression of my addiction and how it completely destroyed my life. There are a lot of good text posts but so much of it is triggering and there are photos and videos that I don’t want to see. I can’t bring myself to delete it because I thought I might want to read the posts I wrote. I was doing exactly what I did now but while in active addiction and it scares me to re old posts. Even my journals I can’t re read them. It’s also a focus thing. ADHD sucksssssssssssssssss. Also another topic.

    I woke up determined to go the day without weed. It seems like a pretty basic goal. But it’s the hardest thing I tried to do all day. And I caved from the anxiety. I’ve gone my entire life feeling uncomfortable and running from myself. It’s so fucking hard to handle my emotions. I’m on edge and tense. Omg I’m going crazy. I mean I’ve got to the point where I know picking up the harder drugs wont fix how I feel, even though I still crave believe that they will. Then comes a hard relapse. Sorry this is so over the place, I’m trying to cover the basics while posting as an outlet. Eventually after a few posts things will start to come together. The reason I mentioned 46 days was because it used to be 44 days I haven’t used or seen my dealer but two days ago on my 40 min walk to drug councelling. Ironic. Not only did I see him I also saw the guy who introduced me to him. It was insane. They weren’t together either, all three of us just randomly were in the same area at the same time. I was listening to an NA zoom meeting on my walk there and there’s this convenience store on the way that I used to get my beer from and sometimes still smokes. I used to use the ATM there to take out money for drugs. So it’s a triggering place but if I’m going to stay in this city with my boyfriend I’m going to have to be able to get over these issues. So there I am walking by and I see an arm flailing. I look at it’s my plug waving. I yelled hey, then he said hey to this other guy wondering up to us. Then that guy looked at me and said HEY! I impulsively blurted It’s a fucking reunion! And I continued to walk but I turned my head and yelled that I had 44 days and the one guy new exactly what that meant and he said that’s awesome!

    It may not seem like a big deal to some people, and even to me I just booked it after the last thing I said. But my feelings in my gut and mind have been rough and not good for recovery. I think I have to quit weed or I’m a failure, yet again, I quit drinking, benzos, and crack so I should give myself a break. But mind is so evil sometimes. It says the meanest things. I torture myself with not doing things well enough. Growing up my dad always said how useless we all were and my mom was the opposite saying, “you’re perfect”. So I guess that somehow screwed me right up for the rest of my life. So dramatic. It’s literally YES or NO. I love starting something but I hate the effort and just want to be done and feel good. I just want to fast forward to feeling good. That’s not how proper recovery works and I know that and I hate that.

    I got sober before in 2020 for about 3.5 years. There were some things that happened but I didn’t drink or use any drugs for all those years. I can’t say the year I relapsed on crack because I can’t remember which one it was. I thought it was almost two years ago but then it just doesn’t make sense in my head to say the year I think it was. Anyway, moving on LOL. I had a lot of seizures from the past using and from this current relapse I’ve been in. Until I quit pot I think I’m still technically using. So current relapse it is. So my memory is pretty shot. And the weed doesn’t help it get better any faster. I wonder if this site blog thing has a comment area for people to respond to a post I write or something. I’ll look into that way later.

    I’m watching the original Desperate Housewives. I watched it a few months ago with my boyfriend and finally thought I’d put it on as background noise but I’ve been hooked because I don’t remember anything! Dylan, that’s my sweetie pies name, plays on his computer while I’m re watching the show and he just listens mostly, and he knows more of what’s going on then I do. I absolutely have no clue what’s going to happen or how it all ends. So it’s great I got a new show again! But my brain, not doing so great in the function department. The amount of weed I smoke in a day is stupid. I’m baked but it’s the physical act of inhaling something that’s going to give me some type of head buzz that I’m craving, so even though I’m high I over do it because 1 is too many and a 1000 is never enough. I gotta put this down. I’m just babbling now. Let’s see if I can figure out how to launch this site thing.

    ❤