My Blog

Some days my Vyvanse just give me the most terrible anxiety. Other days I don’t notice it as much. It’s so frustrating. I quit drinking caffeine when I’m on them. So I know it’s not the coffee. This is a tea and I bought decaf coffee pods. I love my coffee. Anyway. I always forget why I eventually go off my ADHD meds. It’s just this blur if I try to remember. The anxiety just makes me want to shut down but the meds help me want to keep moving and get shit done, so I’m being tugged in two directions and it makes me want to spaz the fuck out.

Today is 3 months since I sat at my dealers table and smoked bad drugs with. My using dreams have been so tormenting, you’d think I wouldn’t want to use after what I go through at night in my head, but I really want to use. The instant thought of it makes my mouth water. But I can’t keep thinking about it or I’ll do it. I’ll end up finding someone with my drug of choice and I will smoke. I’m like teetering on the edge everyday just praying (literally) “please don’t let me smoke crack.”

And my brain went blank.